A dream I had (courtroom drama)

Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Yes.

Do you know the man sitting behind me?

Yes.

How?

We had a... thing, a few years ago.

Did he do wrong by you?

Most definitely, he hurt me a lot and broke my heart.

You said hurt, did he use violence on you?

No, he never laid a hand on me. He was very good to me when he was present. With me his problem was more the other women, I think that is always on his list of problems.

What were the other things on his list of problems?

Self harm most definitely and probably alcohol abuse too.

Did he tell you that the scars on his arm were inflicted by her?

No, he never told me that. The night we first kissed he confessed them and told me all along he had done them himself. He didn't even care, I don't think he ever does care. About himself I mean. At times he would be on a whole other side of the world wanting to do it again and I would've done anything to fly out immediately and hold him. I learned later that apparently someone else did that for him, held him, comforted him and did all those things I wanted to back them. It makes me hate the other women a bit less because deep inside I see parts of me in them. After all we can't be that different, he choose all of us to hurt.

Do you know the woman sitting on the other pench, was she one of those "other women"?

I didn't meet her until about after a year after we stopped going out.

So he didn't mention they well still dating?

He never said that. He once told me in tears that his ex is still living in his flat because she has nowhere else to go. But he was very specific about her being his ex. I would've never continued if I knew I was hurting another woman. It was the best night, because I thought he was telling me the complete truth.

Do You still love him?

--

Please answer the question miss.

Your honor, is this really relevant to the trial?

Oh I think this is very relevant your honor.

Fine, go ahead and answer.

-- I do.

[The courtroom sighs.]

You still love him?

Yes, I love him. But I am not in love with him.

What does that mean? Do you wish to get him back someday? Is that why you are here? To look good in his eyes and win him back?

Never. If anything, he'd had to win me back. Or my trust morelike. He hurt me so much as a man that I could never love him as a woman again. But I will always love him, always, and that's why I hope he can someday accept my friendship again.

Why would you still want to be his friend?

Because I think every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

If he never laid a hand on you, do you believe she's lying and he's telling the truth?

I would love to believe that and be finished with it, it would be so easy. But I also want to believe her because she's been nice to me, nicer than him actually, and I see a bit of myself in her. But at the same time I have a history with him, not her, with him and he's the one I know. Or atleast think I know.

After all those lies he told you wouldn't it only be easier and make more sense to believe her instead of him?

Yes, but the love I once had for him has made me blind and naive for his actions for the rest of my life.

X

En koskaan pyytänyt olla

       täydellinen

tai muutenkaan mitenkään

                                                             t i e t y n l a i n e n       

                     toisenlainen

                 Pelkästään  t o i s e n l a i n e n .

Teille kahdelle kollektiivisesti yhdessä

                                          Minusta on kaikkein pelottavinta ajatella

                                                           kuinka joku toinen silittää niskaasi nyt

                                       En tiedä teinkö enemmän väärin siinä

                                                       että sain sinut kiinni

                                             vain siinä

                                                    että päästin sinusta  i r t i 

                                                                  Mutta sinä varmaan rakastat jotakin toista nyt

                                       Aikaa on jo kulunut niin paljon

                                                    että minun olisi jo pitänyt unohtaa

                                       En tiedä vihastuttaako minua enemmän ajatus siitä

                                                    että joku muu on nyt kasvanut kiinni kylkeesi

                                              vai siitä

                                                    että kuka se joku nyt sattuu tänään olemaan

                                        Mutta sinä varmaan rakastat jotakin toista nyt

                                                lakanoiden lainausmerkkien välissä 

                                                                  Mutta sinä varmasti    s a t u t a t    jotakin toista nyt

X

Olen supersankari

voimani on näkymättömyys

Minä ikävöin sinua

Your little nest

                                      I had to put you out of my sight

                                                             so I shrunk you half feet tall

                             

                                                       Then I stuffed you into a little box

                                                                            and stopped thinking about you at all

                                      Today I locked and hid that box

                                                        and made it your little nest

                                                       I'm still not sure why I did that

                                                                            but I can take a good guess

                                      When I keep you locked in the box

                                                        I choose to die a little less

                                                        Pretty please don't run away from it

                                                                            It will ony create a mess

                                      I won't give away your space in me

                                                        but I'm saying you're just a guest

                                                        The lonely yet familiar echo

                                                                            now hardly beating on my chest

                                      It wasn't all only on you

                                                        so I'll finally give it a rest

                                                                           Next time I promise I will have

                                                                                           a complete bulletproof vest

Once

I loved you when we met  I loved you right back I loved you long after the pieces started to  c

                                                                                                                                      r

                                                                                                                                        a

                                                                                                                                          c

                                                                                                                                             k

                                 I loved you when you kissed me for the first time in the rain 

                                               I staid in love with you when you started to forget my name

                                 I loved you when I saw you with another one of your summer girls

                                                                Good God, it stung

                                 I loved you so I wrote it down, thought my tears would start to dry

                                              but they didn't now did they? If I had only knew... s i g h . . . 

                                 I loved you when you left though it was hard to keep track

                                             of you and your summer girls, still loved you once you came back

                                 I loved you when you hugged me again and said that we should talk

                                            I loved you when we neveer did and understood it was time to walk

                                 I loved you once you disappeared and I didn't see you for months

                                           I loved you when we met again, my heart started playing reruns

                                 I loved you when your girlfriend beat my friend at a bar

                                          I decided to fight for you though I knew it would leave a scar

                                 I loved you when I heard she was the crazy one

                                           Felt so sorry for you wished you had the guts to RUN

                                 I loved you when I heard her lie about you beating her

                                          Thought the other way around - so        s h a t t e r e d       you were

                                 I loved you when I met her, thought she was pretty nice

                                          Still loved you when you left her and never got to throw the rice

                                 I loved you when I realized she was actually the one not lying

                                          I loved you even when I hated you but somehow still kept trying

                                 I loved you even when you hated me though I'm not quite sure why

                                           but I know that you can't talk to me or look me from eye to eye

                                 I loved you when I was also in love with another man

                                           It's awful I know but I truly promise it wasn't really my plan

                                 I loved you when the rumor said the police are now after you

                                           I knew you must be scared and feeling so, so  b l u e 

                                 I loved you when I first wrote it down and said it via mail

                                            and my messy head will stay in love with you once you go to jail

Sateenkaaren päässä

                                                                  Koska sinä tapaat minut

                                                                             odotan jo täällä

                                                                  mutten näe sinua missään

                                                                            seison yksin maailman päällä

                                                    Olen loputtoman tylsistynyt

                                                            ja kyllästynyt tähän

                                                    tulisitko, liikuttaisit

                                                                          minua edes ihan vähän

                                                                  Kaikki on ihan hyvin

                                                                          se on tavallaan omituista

                                                                  pelkästään ikävä pursuaa

                                                                          kaikista minun soluista

                                                    Joten tulisitko jo

                                                             ja tapaisit minut täällä

                                                    olen niin kyllästynyt yksin

                                                             odottamaan maailman päällä

X

i k ä v ö i t k ö

s i n ä 

m i n u a

?

Slutwalk

                              I got drunk at a party and a friend got me home

                                           though it turned out soon he wasn't a friend at all

                              I didn't ask him inside but he pinned me to the floor

                                           and told me to hush because I was just a cheap w h o r e .

                                        Actually I work at a cafe but I guess that's how he feels

                                                     evidently my mistake was putting on high heels

                                        and wearing a nice dress with them and looking all fit

                                                     so he slapped me to the face and said I was begging for it.

                                                      He took off when he was finished but I couldn't move

                                                                   he had left me with a feeling that I should improve

                                                      By that he meant that I should shield myself with clothes

                                                                   so I put on a huge plastick sack entirely from head to toes

                                        I marched to the police, still feeling scared and hurt

                                                     I was looking for comfort but instead I got burnt

                                        The officer said that I looked quite good in my sack

                                                     and that if I took it off, the man would be back

                                                      Evidently my mistake was not wearing a sack

                                                                   but wearing a skirt instead and looking good in that

                                                      The officer sighed and I think even laughed a little bit

                                                                   He declined my report, said I was begging for it.

                                        I didn't quite recover, and neither did my style

                                                     I thought they were all right so I stayed in that sack for a while

                                        Above that time I remember; there was a dark cloud

                                                     But today I'll try to strut my high heels  p r o u d .

slutwalkinternational.wordpress.com

Oi, muusa!

Pidän siitä

         miten aidosti aito olet,

kun siihen ei nykyään

         enää pysty kauhean monet.

                                                                                                            Pidän siitä

                                                                                                                     miten silität minua öisin,

                                                                                                            silloin en tahtoisi olla

                                                                                                                     yhtään mitenkään toisin.

Pelkään sitä

         kun luotan sinuun kokonaan,

koska olen tottunut siihen

         että juuri silloin minut   r i k o t a a n .

                                                                                                            Pelkään sitä

                                                                                                                     että ansaitset parempaa;

                                                                                                            en ole itse paljoa

                                                                                                                     mutta tahtoisin parantaa.

Vihaan sitä,

         että voisin tottua olemaan,

sillä joskus jykeväkin kallio

         siirtyy mantereita aikanaan.

                                                                                                            Vihaan sitä

                                                                                                                     etten vihaa sinua ollenkaan,

                                                                                                            koska parhaimmistakin löytyy

                                                                                                                     pahoja puolia ajallaan.

Rakastan sitä,

         että voin itkeä sylissäsi

ja ettei itkemisessä

         ole mitään pahaa mielestäsi.

                                                                                                            Rakastan sitä

                                                                                                                     kun sanot että olen sinun

                                                                                                            ja kaikkein pelottavinta on

                                                                                                                     että minäkin olen oikeasti

s i n u n .

Chasing Clocks

I didn't have the faith to try to chase the stars

but now I just can't wait for my  w o u n d s  to become s c a r s .

I bottled my tears in jars and collected then when

instead of  m a k i n g  scars, I should be  h e a l i n g  them.

I've got all my suicide letters locked in a little box,

it means I've gotten the  a n s w e r s  and now I'm chasing  c l o c k s .

I woke up the morning after and instead of buried alive

I filled the air with  l a u g h t e r  until it's really my  t i m e .

Laulurinne

On helppo juosta

                                    v a l o j e n  

perässä nyt

kun katuvalot vielä palavat,

mitä teet kun tulee
            a a m u ?